The longer I sit here, the more I feel I need to go church tonight. 2009 has been a tough year, and I've done an awfully good job hiding how things have affected me... and that scares me. It's scary how well I wear this mask of happiness. So tonight, I will either go to church and try to feel something I haven't felt in a while. Or stay in with my sisters, get drunk, watch the ball drop, and pray that tomorrow is the start of my new beginning... my rebirth.

I know I have not had as bad of a year as others, but when you carry around years of pain and disappointment, the slightest thing can and will get me down. I have tons of anxiety and fear about life. Crippling fear has prevented me from being the best I know I can be. Sometimes, I can barely recognize this person who doubts herself, doubts her beauty, doubts her intellect at every turn. So unsure of myself that I didn't see the many blessings God placed right in front of me. My mind, heart, and soul has been in another place.

Last NYE, I went out, rock&rolled all night, and partied... hard. And by July, I things seemed to just go from bad to worse. So, tonight I'm trying something new... church or stay in with people I love and care about. I need their support for 2010 and beyond.

I actually don't feel too bad tonight. I am being prayerful and hopeful that things will be great in 2010, not just for me, but for my family and friends. I'm praying for the courage to step out on faith professionally and personally, the courage to go where I've never been, and do what I've never done.