So emotional...

I'm an emotional woman. And this is the understatement of the decade.

I am a very emotional woman. I internalize all negative emotions--anger, sadness, disappointment, etc--and they, in turn, manifest into very unhealthy behavior.

During my second year of law school, I had a slight drinking problem. And by slight, I mean I drank heavily at least 5 days a week. I lived near a corner store who had a great stock of cheap ass liquor. Vodka is my drink of choice, and I probably purchased about 3 plastic bottles a week, plus a 6-pack of Smirnoff Ice. First thing I did when I would get home was make myself a vodka/cranberry. Or vodka/cherry coke. Or vodka/vodka. And I drank all night, alternating between vodka/cranberry and Smirnoff Ice.

Unhappy can't begin to describe how I felt during that first semester. I hated everything, and was unsure about everything and everyone in my life. I felt inadequate. I was in love with someone who didn't feel the same, I was lonely, and sad, and did a pretty good job playing it off. I wanted to be anywhere but Ohio. I was functionally depressed. I didn't want to talk to anyone about my feelings because I didn't think they would understand, and just assume that I couldn't cut it in law school. Funny thing is, it wasn't law school as much as it was people, places, and things outside of law school. Things that were beyond my control, but things I still allowed to get under my skin and fester. And, so I drank. And cried... a lot.  It was so easy. And if I passed out, it was even better.

This all happened within the span of a few months, first semester of 2L year. Towards the end, I buried myself in studying and work, and the drinking slowed. It didn't stop, but definitely slowed down. I think the best thing for me that time was going home for the holidays. Family, friends, and limited amounts of booze. People who loved me and wanted the best for me; who encouraged me, and prayed with me and for me.

I still find it very hard to be honest about my feelings, even with the people I love. It's hard being vulnerable, to lean on someone, to need someone to hold you, to pick you up when you are down.

*sigh*

I'm getting better. Every time I think about those few months in Fall, 2005, I remember the friends that supported me, that were life lines for me. They probably saved my life, or at the very least, my sanity. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

Every time I feel sad, upset, disappointed, neglected, or any other negative emotion, I want to drink. Hell, while writing this post, I started feeling a little sad, and thought about having a drink as soon as I step in the door at 6:00pm. Because I know this, I keep minimal alcohol around the house. I still drink socially, but I am very careful about emotional drinking. It helps that my sister is my roommate, and this is a part of me she has yet to see (I told you I keep things hidden). I rarely drink when I'm happy, but as soon as something less than positive happens, I am ready for a drink.

I keep a journal where I write daily affirmations. It helps me fight those little negative situations and negative people that pop up during the day. I think I'll start doing that on the blog. It's important to keep things in perspective, and there is always more good than bad.

I didn't write this post because I'm unhappy. In fact, I am feeling very good about life right now. Summer in the Triangle is beautiful, and Omega Conclave is right around the corner. What single sista wouldn't be happy right now? LOL. No, I felt the need to write this as I reminder of where I used to be, and how far I've come.